Another Year Has Gone By

Well, today is the day... the dreaded and most tragic March 11th. Today, four years ago, my little brother left us and entered in the gates of heaven. I always think of the Tyrone Wells song "When All is Said and Done" and he talks about when he's 'going home' and crossing the bridge of death alone, he will fix his eyes, on the one that's waiting at the other side, his old friend with countless others there beside... it must have been an amazing experience for Josh. It's a strange feeling I have about the whole situation... I'm genuinely happy for my brother, I mean, he's in paradise. No more worry or doubt or pain, and he's happy and busy doing the things that he always loved to do... and I believe he just can't get enough of worshiping and praising our Father in heaven. And at the same time, my selfish nature wants him back here with us because I miss him so much. I miss hanging out with him, and laughing with him (or at him), and just feeling comfortable and safe in our close relationship, and feeling like nothing could ever change that. I was robbed, and 'it's not fair.' I think too much about myself don't I? I have learned to accept that it's something I will never understand, and that's ok. I don't know why God allowed this to happen, and I hate that it did. I rest in the fact that he is ok... and he is happy... and he wouldn't want to come back here! It's sucks for those of us who were left behind, in every way, but when I really think about HIS well being, I find some peace in that. Right now, it doesn't help to think about the 'good' that has come out of this situation. It feels like the huge loss i feel, doesn't measure up to the amount of good that has happened because of it... if that's makes sense. And it doesn't feel like it will EVER measure up. A very dear friend, Heather Williams spoke this last weekend at the women's retreat, and she said that she's buried a lot of people, and she said she really enjoys funerals for Christians, and it almost makes her a little jealous. I can relate to that.

This morning I was so tired, blast the time change... and so I got up and was getting ready for work, and when I realized today was March 11th, I looked at the clock, and it was 8:20am, just about the same time that Josh was pronounced dead. It gave me the chills, and brought me back to that morning/day when my life changed forever.

Thanks to all of those people who pray and think about us today, it means a lot. And it's a shame if you didn't get the chance to meet my brother... you would have liked him.

I love you so very much Josh, and I wish you were here to see my belly grow with the newest addition to the family... Jude's and my son, and your nephew.